Thoughts Aren’t Facts. 

I’m currently lying on my bathroom floor after driving home from a friend’s, writing this because I feel like it’s the only way I’ll get relief. This past week I’ve experienced more intrusive suicidal thoughts than I ever have before. Every day I’ve had to convince myself of why I should stay alive. 

Today’s reason was that I’d never be able to stand in the pouring rain again. Never feel raindrops on my face, never get soaked to the skin and laugh about it. I actually stood in the rain for a few minutes today thinking how much I would miss something that usually frustrates us so much. 

I have no idea why I’m experiencing these thoughts and it genuinely scares the life out of me (no pun intended, I think). I have no idea why they occur at random, especially on the good days where I have no reason to be feeling low. I have no intention of taking action with regards to these thoughts, but they still pop into my head, nonetheless.

I don’t like telling people about it, not because I’m ashamed (I’m not), but because it causes unnecessary worry and often leaves them feeling helpless because there isn’t really anything they can do. I tell them anyway because I’m not a good liar and I feel safer when I’m honest.  

My day was filled with family and my best friends and yet those thoughts still managed to seep through. My friends distracted me all evening; we binged on a TV series and had plenty of laughs but those thoughts didn’t disappear, they just hid out in a corner of my brain, waiting for me to be on my own again. 

Tonight’s drive home was filled with those intrusive suicidal thoughts. I turned my music up the loudest it would go in an attempt to block out my thoughts. I was thankful for a car in front of me and other cars passing by because it meant I had my hands tightly gripped on the wheel. 

I just kept praying I would get home. I had a crushing sensation in my chest, one that is still lingering now even though I’m in the safety of my home and I’m about to crawl into bed beside my mum because I feel safe there. 

It makes me sad that my brain, the one thing that keeps me alive and ticking, is the one thing that wants to ‘kill’ me. That loves to torture me day in, day out. That takes the enjoyment out of good days and replaces it with intrusive thoughts.

I am tired of fighting the one thing that is supposed to be on my side. But I won’t stop. There’s a tiny part of me inside that is determined not to let my thoughts rule my actions and decisions.

Because thoughts aren’t facts. Especially the ones that depression likes to conjure up. 

One day my brain will be on my side. 

L. 

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “Thoughts Aren’t Facts. 

  1. I’m sorry your feeling like this, but so glad you are talking about it. This will be helping to get some of those thoughts out of your mind and body.
    So proud to call you a friend, and looking forward to the day we meet.

  2. […] I usually write something each year with regards to #WMHD16. This year is no different with the exception that I am writing from the perspective of someone currently trying to crawl her way out of the black hole known as depression. Don’t get me wrong – I battle my mental health issues every day but right now it feels like I’m sinking further into the black hole rather than reaching for a light that seems so far away (see my post from late Saturday night for an explanation). […]

  3. While this was written so well, it’s horrible that you’re having these thoughts. Keep your head up and remember to enjoy things like the rain xxx

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s