I’m currently lying on my bathroom floor after driving home from a friend’s, writing this because I feel like it’s the only way I’ll get relief. This past week I’ve experienced more intrusive suicidal thoughts than I ever have before. Every day I’ve had to convince myself of why I should stay alive.
Today’s reason was that I’d never be able to stand in the pouring rain again. Never feel raindrops on my face, never get soaked to the skin and laugh about it. I actually stood in the rain for a few minutes today thinking how much I would miss something that usually frustrates us so much.
I have no idea why I’m experiencing these thoughts and it genuinely scares the life out of me (no pun intended, I think). I have no idea why they occur at random, especially on the good days where I have no reason to be feeling low. I have no intention of taking action with regards to these thoughts, but they still pop into my head, nonetheless.
I don’t like telling people about it, not because I’m ashamed (I’m not), but because it causes unnecessary worry and often leaves them feeling helpless because there isn’t really anything they can do. I tell them anyway because I’m not a good liar and I feel safer when I’m honest.
My day was filled with family and my best friends and yet those thoughts still managed to seep through. My friends distracted me all evening; we binged on a TV series and had plenty of laughs but those thoughts didn’t disappear, they just hid out in a corner of my brain, waiting for me to be on my own again.
Tonight’s drive home was filled with those intrusive suicidal thoughts. I turned my music up the loudest it would go in an attempt to block out my thoughts. I was thankful for a car in front of me and other cars passing by because it meant I had my hands tightly gripped on the wheel.
I just kept praying I would get home. I had a crushing sensation in my chest, one that is still lingering now even though I’m in the safety of my home and I’m about to crawl into bed beside my mum because I feel safe there.
It makes me sad that my brain, the one thing that keeps me alive and ticking, is the one thing that wants to ‘kill’ me. That loves to torture me day in, day out. That takes the enjoyment out of good days and replaces it with intrusive thoughts.
I am tired of fighting the one thing that is supposed to be on my side. But I won’t stop. There’s a tiny part of me inside that is determined not to let my thoughts rule my actions and decisions.
Because thoughts aren’t facts. Especially the ones that depression likes to conjure up.
One day my brain will be on my side.